Twas Johnny's Night Before Christmas
by UnicornxNinja
Summary: It's Christmas, and Johnny is simply watching TV. When all of a sudden, he runs into someone he least expected; Santa Clause! Based off of the tale, 'Twas The Night Before Christmas.


**Hey ya'll! It's time for my annual Christmas fanfic. Last year, it was How The Homicidal Maniac Stole Christmas. And this year I thought I'd stick with the JTHM theme. Thus, I present to you, 'Twas Johnny's Night Before Christmas.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Johnny. Sir Jhonen of Land Awesomeness does. The Night Before Christmas is own by either Clement Clarke Moore, or Henry Livingston. I'm not quite sure.**

**ANYWAY! 'Twas Johnny's Night Before Christmas…

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'Twas Johnny's night before Christmas

And all through the house, no matter how active

Not a creature was stirring

Not even the captives

Their bodies were left

In the trashcan with care

In hopes that the garbage man

Would soon be there

The victims were nestled

All snug in their cells

With visions of freedom

And not going to hell

And Nailbunny in his 'kerchief

And me with all credentials

Had just settled down

To watch infomercials

When out on the lawn

There arose such a clatter

I sprang from the couch

And grabbed my bloody hammer

Away to the window

I flew like a flash

Tripping over a body

I took earlier from the stash

The moon shining down

On my house of bloody snow

Gave off a bit of life

To the objects below

When, what to my bloodshot

Eyes should appear

But a miniature sleigh

And eight tiny reindeer

With a fat man as the driver

So lively and quick

I thought for a moment

'This must be a trick!'

More rapid than eagles

His coursers they came

And he whistled, and shouted

And called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer!

Now Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid!

On, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch!

So I can sneak in the hall

And steal lots of booz

To drink for us all!"

I had not any booz

But I still wouldn't let

A fat, jolly old drunk

Even look for a set

So up to the housetop

So Santa could take a look

With a sleigh full of drugs

That from others he took

And then with a clatter

I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing

Of each little hoof

As I cleaned out my thoughts

And was turning around

Down the chimney St. Nicholas

Came with a bound

He was dressed in all fur

From head to toe

And he smelled like a rotting

Week-old torso

A bundle of drugs

He had flung on his back

And he looked like a drunkard

Opening his pack

His eyes—how dilated

His dimples—how scary!

His cheeks were like roses

His nose like a cherry!

His old little mouth

Was drawn up like a bow

And the beard of his chin

Was as white as the snow

The end of his cigar

He held tight in his teeth

As the smoke it encircled

His head like a wreath

He had a red face

And a little round belly

That shook when he hiccupped

Like a bowl full of jelly

He was chubby and plump

A right jolly drunk elf

And I brought forth a knife

In spite of myself

A wink of his eye

And a swig of his drink

Soon gave me to know

I am right when I think

That he must be eliminated

For sneaking into my home

And looking for alcohol

In such a state of drone

He spoke not a word

But went straight to work

And searched through the house

But stopped with a jerk

I had plunged my knife

Into his chubby arm

Just to remind him

I can bring him harm

And laying a finger

On the blood that he dripped

He gave me a nod

And he told me this:

"If you write my story

Into a fanfiction

Next year, be assured

I shall not search your kitchen

Nor either your hall

Or your bedroom, mind you

I shall not bring my reindeer

Anywhere near you.

Just for the very

Small price of this;

That the tale of tonight

Will be turned into a fic."

And after those words

I heard him last say

I plunged the knife in his stomach

With a simple "No way!"

And I threw him in the basement

His eyes full of fright

"Merry Christmas, you dick,

And have a good night!"

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**FINALLY! **

**So, yeah, Santa's dead. Sorry kids.**

**Hope you all enjoyed my holiday fanfic. Please leave reviews so I can use them to bring back Santa tonight.**

**Merry Christmas!**

**~Nikki-sama**


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